The tears still flow

The tears still flow
Is it wrong
Can I not be concerned
about the ordeal
and still trust the Lord
Should I hide my face
from you and another
so you do not see

God knows
He sees my every thought
every emotion
every movement

He knows my pain
He hears my cry
He does not condemn me
but covers me gently
with His Love
His music
His words of wisdom

The tears still flow
Is it wrong
My trust is in the Lord
I know He is with me,
with us
yet I fervently wish
what has come
had not
I want him beside me
I want me beside him
for days and weeks and years
to come

The tears still flow
Is it wrong

I know whom I believe
and whom I trust
The Lord Jesus is He
and He is with me
walking
talking
along every path

The tears still flow
of sadness
of joy

Trust Me

The still small voice
of the Lord
came to me
"Trust Me"
He said.

Have faith
in
Who I AM
What I CAN DO
When I COME
Where I GO
Why I SAY
How I DELIVER

Trust Me
Do not fret
Do good
Commit yourself to Me
Wait patiently for Me
I will uphold you
Keep My way
I AM your strength
I will help you
I will deliver, rescue you from the enemy
Trust Me.
(taken from Psalm 37)

His voice
in the stillness
of early morning
I heard
"Trust Me," He said.
I will take care of Jim
I will take care of you

Turn to Me
everytime
whenever the enemy digs
Do not give in to his maneuvers
He is up to no good

Turn to Me
Talk to Me
Share your every fear with Me
and I will be with you through it all
Hold on to Me
I will guide you
I will keep you safe
I will bring calmness and peace
to your soul.

Trust Me child,
Trust Me.

A snag in the road; surgery rescheduled

"You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away. Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I AM your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."  ~ Isaiah 41: 9b-10

A setback
a snag
Jaw pain
realized Thursday, April 30
Fullblown
Saturday, May 2

A call
On-call dentist
of little value
yet
$200 charge
just for a look-see

Another call
On-call doctor
at UIHC
concern in our wake
IF infection
no surgery

Tylenol taken
for pain
and Orajel too
as we waited
for Monday
to come

First thing
7:30 a.m.
Monday, May 4
the day before
scheduled surgery
Jim
at his dentist's door
X-ray taken
worst case scenario
revealed
A major infection
Root Canal needed
No surgery
to be that very next day

More phone calls made
He to UIHC
me to the endodontist
A root canal
scheduled and accomplished
3 p.m. that day
and surgery rescheduled
8:15 a.m. Tuesday, May 12

We wondered why
But God knew
A reason always
for everything
that comes

Perhaps,
as Jim considered,
it was because
his sister,
the family R.N.,
couldn't be there May 5
but she can May 12

God knew Jim
wanted her there

Perhaps another reason
Perhaps we will know
along the way
or at another time.
God knows
God is in control
We must Trust
in all He does
He is with us
at every turn.

God has chosen us
He does not throw us aside
I AM with you
is His reply
Do not fear
Do not be dismayed
Come to Him
The strength you do not have
to face every trial
The Lord will give you
He will help you
He will uphold you

It is His Strength, His Power, His Love, His Peace
we need
to overcome the pain of life

God has chosen you
He does not cast you to the wolves
You are His
Live your life as His child

God is the one ultimately in control
Look to Him
Abide with Him
Trust in Him
Believe in Him
Worship Him
Praise Him
Be reconciled to Him
Pray to Him
Listen to Him
Respond to Him
Be obedient to His instructions

God has chosen you
for eternity
He does not cast us aside

Why would you choose your way
over His way
when His way is best?
He gives us the strength we need
in our every weakness.

Pressing on, Looking ahead

Lord, I pray
Keep the steps
taken steady and sure
so we don't falter
along the path
Keep my focus
our focus, our thoughts
on you
away from the situation
around us
gathering momentum

It is not about me
It is about You
and in the midst
my beloved one
whom You also love
He is Yours
I am Yours
You are with us

Yet our minds
travel down paths
bringing one question and another
so many unknowns

Thinking -- the questions weaken us
Willing our minds to You
brings strength
In You we can do all things

Everything that needs done now
and in days, weeks following
surgery and after
Jim's return home,
will be accomplished
according to Your will, Your plan, Your purpose

Help me Lord, to know
Help us both Lord, to know
what is unnecessary
Keep us away from getting flustered

Keep us mindful of You
See Your beauty
See the good
See the steps of progress being made

Help us Lord to look toward You
in all we do
To not get agitated with each other
To not dwell on the pain
and how far we have to go

One step at a time
One step in front of the other
Looking ahead to the prize

"I press on ... forgetting those things which are behind
and reaching forward to those things which are ahead.
I press toward the goal for the prize
of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:12-14

Questions and Answers re: Jim's surgery

Today was Pre-Op. Jim and I and Jim's sister, Dianne, spent much of the day at University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics in Iowa City. The day consisted of meeting with the surgeon, a resident and a nurse and members of the anesthesia team, along with lab work, an EKG, chest x-ray and neck x-ray, and lots of waiting inbetween times.

When is the surgery date:
Surgery is May 5 -- 14 days from now.  Check in time is 6 a.m., surgery begins at 8:15 a.m.

Who is the surgeon:
Dr. Kalpaj Parekh

How long will surgery last:
It should take between 3 and 4 hours.

Where is the cancer located:
Cancer is in the lower esophagus only.

What technique will be done: 
Trans-hiatal esophagectomy.

The surgeon will make two large incisions, one in the neck area and the other in the abdomen, from about the belly button to the bottom of the sternum bone.  All of the esophagus (11 centimeters or about 6 inches) and the top third of his stomach will be removed. The stomach will be pulled up behind the heart and re-attached to a tiny bit of the esophagus (about 2-3 centimeters) and then attached to his throat area. The stomach will become his new esophagus.

There will be sutures in the neck area for 2 weeks and staples in the abdomen.

Eating:
A feeding tube will be placed in his small intestine, to provide more nutrition. Until his first post-op visit (4 weeks), eating will consist of  clear liquids to full liquids to a soft mushy diet.  Any eating at any time should be in small amounts, slowly. It all depends on how well Jim tolerates swallowing and whether he has problems with nausea, cramping, etc. The feeding tube may be removed after that first visit or it may remain in for up to 3 months.

What are the risks:
The highest risk is leakage in the neck area where there are sutures. There is, however, less than a 10 percent chance this will happen. Also bleeding because of the type of procedure and damaging organs.

What is preparation the day before surgery: 
Bowel prep, like you do for a colonoscopy, beginning no later than 1 p.m.  on May 4.
Can have a big breakfast or brunch, but once the bowel prep is started, can only have clear liquids up to midnight.

When will he be released from the hospital:
If all goes well, he will be released to go home on day 5.

Miscellaneous:
He may have chest pain, a sore throat and hoarseness after surgery. An epidural in his back (like women in labor) is recommended for pain.  A home health aide or visiting nurse is likely to be part of the home recovery package. He is to get up and take walks regularly. Walking starts the day after surgery. He will have deep-breathing and coughing exercises.


We appreciate the prayers of all of you and continue to covet them as we go forward. It is not an easy road to be on, but we are thankful for our Lord and Savior and for all of you.

Up and down, in and out

I am glad to say I am on the road ...the mending road. Fear captured me a week ago and I have been  sequestered in a windowless cell not knowing how to escape. I have been aware of many people praying, and if it hadn't been for those prayers being lifted up and God hearing and awakening me, I'm sure I would still be barricaded in, filled with consuming worry and anxiety over circumstances of which I had no control. Fortunately, the barriers are crumbling. I do not wish to ever go back to that place.  That's not to say I won't, but if or when I do, I pray I will be able overcome the temptation of fear before it overcomes me.

I have been reading Scripture, much found in Psalms and Proverbs, and in writings of other people found in emails, blogs, magazines. Today I came across an article by guest writer Rachel Pieh Jones  in Christianity Today's Her*meneutics titled "Another Chance to be Afraid -- and Trust God."  My fears seem so commonplace after reading of hers, but fear is fear. We all have something that causes concern to go into overdrive and become anxiety or worry or fear. Different words, same idea.

Points Jones made:
(1) Being safe is an illusion.

Of course it is. You think going to the store is safe but having surgery, especially cancer surgery, gives room for doubt. It is possible something could happen at the store or on the way to and from. Nothing we do is really safe. We tend not to think about some things because they are everyday occurences.

(2) You need Jesus.

If we believe in and trust Christ we have a safety net. He will take care of us.  The need, as Jones said, does not cancel out your fears. It teaches you to trust. The fear still exists, but when it creeps up on you, you remember who it is you need most, more than anything, who will provide that calm assurance of being with you always.  Psalm 53:6 is a good reminder - "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You." Continuing to be afraid or trusting yourself is a waste of time.

My birthday was this past Monday. It was the first day I felt better about anything. Only because of prayers being lifted up ... prayers like this one received in an email from friends -- taken from the devotional book, New Every Morning:

Set free, O Lord, my soul from all restlessness and anxiety;

give me that peace and power which flow from You;

keep me in all perplexities and distresses, in all fears

and faithlessness; that so upheld by Your power and stayed

on the rock of Your faithfulness, I may through storm and stress

remain in You, Christ Jesus our Lord.

Even emails I've had for a long time, I read again, to give us strength to go on ...

One Day at a Time

by Annie Johnson Flint 

"As your days - so shall your strength be!" - Deuteronomy 33:25

One day at a time, with its failures and fears,
With its hurts and mistakes, with its weakness and tears,
With its portion of pain, and its burden of care;
One day at a time, we must meet and must bear.

One day at a time, to be patient and strong,
To be calm under trial, and sweet under wrong;
Then its toiling shall pass, and its sorrow shall cease;
It shall darken and die, and the night shall bring peace.

One day at a time-but the day is so long,
And the heart is not brave, and the soul is not strong,
o piteous Christ, be near all the way;
Give courage and patience, and strength for the day

Swift comes His answer, so clear and so sweet;
"Yes, I'll be with you, your troubles to meet;
I will not forget you, nor fail you, nor grieve;
I will not forsake you; I never will leave."

Not yesterday's load, we are called on to bear,
Nor the morrow's uncertain and shadowy care;
Why should we look forward, or back with dismay?
Our needs, as our mercies, are but for the day.

One day at a time, and the day is His day;
He has numbered is hours, though they haste or delay.
His grace is sufficient, we walk not alone;
As the day, so the strength that He gives His own.

I Refuse to be Discouraged
by Anonymous author

I refuse to be discouraged,
To be sad, or to cry;
I refuse to be downhearted,
and here's the reason why ...

I have a God who’s mighty,
Who’s sovereign and supreme;
I have a God who loves me,
and I am on His team.

He is all wise and powerful,
Jesus is His name;
Though everything is changeable,
My God remains the same.

My God knows all that’s happening;
Beginning to the end,
His presence is my comfort,
He is my dearest friend.

When sickness comes to weaken me,
To bring my head down low,
I call upon my mighty God;
Into His arms I go.

When circumstances threaten
to rob me from my peace;
He draws me close unto His breast,
Where all my strivings cease.

And when my heart melts within me,
and weakness takes control;
He gathers me into His arms,
He soothes my heart and soul.

The great "I AM" is with me,
My life is in His hand,
The "Son of the Lord" is my hope,
It’s in His strength I stand.

I refuse to be defeated,

My eyes are on my God;

He has promised to be with me,

as through this life I trod.

I’m looking past all my circumstances,

To Heaven’s throne above;

My prayers have reached the heart of God,

I’m resting in His love.

I give God thanks in everything,

My eyes are on His face;

The battle’s His, the victory’s mine;

He’ll help me win the race. 

Rise up ... and wait - for Him

Yesterday ... Today ... Tomorrow

I am
to rise up
to whatever occasion
the Lord brings me to
and remind myself over and over repeatedly,
He will also bring me through it.

I AM with you
You who is writing
You the reader
You still in turmoil, questioning why me, why now, when, what if
You standing outside the door

The Lord will bring me through it
He will bring you through it too

We have to wait
Wait believing
Wait faithfully
Wait trusting
Wait for Jesus' response to us
and then move
forward
onward

Still believing
Still trusting
Still remembering

WHO it is
we BELIEVE

WHO it is
we TRUST

WHO it is
we FOCUS upon

WHO it is
we OBEY

WHO it is
we LOVE

WHO it is
we HEAR
in the quiet solitude
and in the throbbing roar
of our beating heart

WHO it is
we SEE
when one come to salvation
when needs are met
when prayers said are answered
and when we are lost in the massive maze
of this way/that way, right/wrong thinking

It is Still GOD
on His Throne
Still the Lord Jesus
Who Reigns

All we undergo will be for good.
It is His will, His plan, His purpose
for our lives.

We do not readily see the Good
nor God
but we are aware
of His Presence
and of His Goodness

and because of Who He is
we are.
As we travel our life's path
and remain engaged with Him
and not release our grip
He is right there, right here beside us
all the way.

So rise up
where you are
stay near and nearer to Him
and wait for Him
who does and will continue to
bring us
guide us
deliver us
love us.

Remove my fear

In the midst of all we undergo - every sorrow, every sadness, every trial, we can remain faithful. We can continue to seek the goodness of Christ, seek His strength in us, although we struggle to see or feel that strength. We feel so weak and downhearted.

We should not allow our burdens to gain such a stronghold that it overshadows our Lord. HE is stronger, mightier. Nothing we undergo will the presence of the Lord leave us. We must cling to His Promises, His Truth, to His outstretched hand.

We must not withdraw. In withdrawing from Him, we have said No to life and Yes to death. Jesus is my joy, yet why do I feel so joyless.

The thief - Satan
he robs and steals and destroys. I do not belong to Satan. I am not one with him.

JESUS is THE SONG of me
He is my life
my joy
my love

Even if it seems absent, He is not absent. He remains with me. I must be obedient. I must wait. I must believe in the Lord. I must follow Him.  I must rise up to whatever occasion He brings me to and remind myself He will also bring me through it. 

The Lord will provide.
His strength in me
His strength through prayer warriors
His strength through the surgeon, nurses, technicians
His strength is enough
His Presence is enough

My Jimmy, to lie waiting
Your strength and power to gain
momentum upon him
that day coming
remove the disease
that wreaks havoc
bring him to full restoration

and me, Lord
I wait, am waiting,
will wait still
that day coming
remove the fear
that wreaks havoc
on my soul
bring me to full restoration

Allow us Lord more years to come
Together to serve You
and be messengers of You and Your guiding Light.

For in You is our Faith, our Strength, our Everything.

Amen.

Restore my peace

Moment by moment
choices we make
that which we know to do
we sometimes choose
that which we do not desire
we sometimes travel
the fork in the road
always before us

Is it a never-ending cycle

It is what you make it

Keep your focus on Jesus
or be swallowed up
by your own selfish self
traveling down avenues and back alleys
of what if, what then, how, why

Wherever I travel
wherever I am
The Lord - He is with me
to reach out
and know He is near
His Presence
is what I need
day or night
in good times and bad
in sad times and glad

The choice
not always so easy
Help me! I cry
Get me out of this pit
This downward spiral
caught off guard
catch me Lord
calm my fears
clear free my mindless thoughts
of all I do not want to be
nor want to go

Return me to you
where I was
not that many days ago
Cradle me
in Your loving embrace
Remove the fear before me
Cleanse me from every unrighteous
thought  that hinders my relationship
with You

It is You, only You Lord
that brings rest, peace, quietness, stillness
within me.
Only You.
Restore me Lord
into Your Presence.

You Lord
overcame death
Satan thought his grip on you
more powerful
so wrong, so wrong
all he has had and ever will have
are minute, tiny particles
of sand
sifting, shifting
to steal
and kill
and destroy.
You Lord
are higher,
stronger
The Utmost
forever and ever.

Remove my sadness
Take away the pain
of the valley I flounder in
Return me to you Lord
Restore my peace
I want to feel Your abiding Presence
within me
all of my days
every day.

In Jesus' name,
I pray.

~~~~~~
Sweet Holy Spirit
Sweet Heavenly Dove
I remembered the song from old
but not a good rendition
to find on Youtube
Another ... Holy Spirit Come Fill This Place
sung by Cece Winans
I share with you.

Stretched and strengthened

One sentence in an article about open doors in the April issue of Home Life magazine caught my attention .....

"Many times an open door from God is one that allows our faith to be stretched and strengthened."

It wasn't just the sentence, but the use of two words - "stretched" and "strengthened" that gave me pause to consider.

All things working together
for good
is God's purpose
for His children,
those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)

To accomplish all for God's good,
His children
face a lot of stuff
that's not so good

We are "stretched"
in ways
we'd prefer not
All to grow our faith
and become more like Christ.

Open doors
from God
are opportunities
for advancement
of His Kingdom
but the steps
across the threshold
are not always
pleasant

What God allows
us to pass through
is often filled with
pain
fear
temptation to give in
or give up.

Open doors
from God
may lead us
down paths
of no return
or much heartache

or
it may bring joy
and peace
and love
we may learn patience
encouragement
understanding
discernment
strength
wisdom.

For "when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone." (James 1:2-6a NLT)

We are in a race.
A race for our lives ...
Jim's life. My life.
God is stretching
our faith

Where will we stand ... Where do we stand?
what is our response
for the door God opens
that we did not ask
that we did not seek
that the outcome we do not know.

More than anything
He desires us
to have a personal, ongoing relationship
with Him
ALL the time
day in, day out
moment by moment
He wants us to be like His Son
Jesus, our example
who is
The Way
The Truth
The Life (John 14:6)
When we focus on Christ
for Everything
we are strengthened
We know He is able
We do not question
We believe and accept
and when we more fully understand,
comprehend
what He teaches
and are able to apply
His teachings to our lives,
we witness
and are surrounded by
His Presence
His Holiness
His Peace
His Glory
His Love.