The night before

Jim started his colonoscopy prep at 12:30 p.m. today. The effects of it hit him around 5 p.m., so staying close to the bathroom was most beneficial. I think he's cleaned out now. 

Before heading off to bed and a restful (??) sleep of few hours, he had to take a surgical shower using Hibiclens soap, which the hospital provided for him. It's supposed to prevent infections. Jim only read the instructions three times to make sure he got it right. 

The surgery is definitely major, but the shower instructions brought some laughter ...

Use a clean wash cloth and clean towel each time he showered - tonight and also in the morning when he gets up at the bright and early hour of 4 a.m. Tonight, in addition to clean underwear, he needed clean pajamas.  

Remove all body-piercing jewelry ... I don't think he has any.

Our friend Jani spent the night. We decided it was better if we all wake up at the same time in the same house than get up earlier and drive to her house  and discover maybe she wasn't awake yet. That happened several years ago for another surgery Jim had. 

Off to bed now. Morning will come way too soon. 

The opportunity is here

Do not resist
Do not run
from pain-filled days
that enter
and stay for a time

Do not rely
on yourself
your reasonings

Come to the Lord God
who sees all
hears all
understands all
trudges beside you
before you
behind you
in all days
of uncertainty

You ask
seek opportunities
to serve
Do we know ...

How can it be
the problem
the burden
the trial
the difficulty
the stress
is an opportunity
to show another
the way
of Jesus

We asked
We said
we would go
we wanted to serve
together

The opportunity is here

The door opens
and we step in
a choice made
to rely on
Jesus
for the strength
desperately needed

He is our everything
in the midst of
every thing
that comes

Every situation, circumstance
undergone
can make us stronger
when the way we travel
is the way
He instructs us

Our human emotions
make us crumble
but it is still
to the Lord
we look
for stability
and security

Jesus
Oh how we need Jesus

There is nothing to be gained
without Him
We are lost,
floundering

We look to Him
for hope
with hope
in Hope
and we pray
the opportunity
that is here
He will bring us
safely through
together.

The tears still flow

The tears still flow
Is it wrong
Can I not be concerned
about the ordeal
and still trust the Lord
Should I hide my face
from you and another
so you do not see

God knows
He sees my every thought
every emotion
every movement

He knows my pain
He hears my cry
He does not condemn me
but covers me gently
with His Love
His music
His words of wisdom

The tears still flow
Is it wrong
My trust is in the Lord
I know He is with me,
with us
yet I fervently wish
what has come
had not
I want him beside me
I want me beside him
for days and weeks and years
to come

The tears still flow
Is it wrong

I know whom I believe
and whom I trust
The Lord Jesus is He
and He is with me
walking
talking
along every path

The tears still flow
of sadness
of joy

Trust Me

The still small voice
of the Lord
came to me
"Trust Me"
He said.

Have faith
in
Who I AM
What I CAN DO
When I COME
Where I GO
Why I SAY
How I DELIVER

Trust Me
Do not fret
Do good
Commit yourself to Me
Wait patiently for Me
I will uphold you
Keep My way
I AM your strength
I will help you
I will deliver, rescue you from the enemy
Trust Me.
(taken from Psalm 37)

His voice
in the stillness
of early morning
I heard
"Trust Me," He said.
I will take care of Jim
I will take care of you

Turn to Me
everytime
whenever the enemy digs
Do not give in to his maneuvers
He is up to no good

Turn to Me
Talk to Me
Share your every fear with Me
and I will be with you through it all
Hold on to Me
I will guide you
I will keep you safe
I will bring calmness and peace
to your soul.

Trust Me child,
Trust Me.

A snag in the road; surgery rescheduled

"You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away. Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I AM your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."  ~ Isaiah 41: 9b-10

A setback
a snag
Jaw pain
realized Thursday, April 30
Fullblown
Saturday, May 2

A call
On-call dentist
of little value
yet
$200 charge
just for a look-see

Another call
On-call doctor
at UIHC
concern in our wake
IF infection
no surgery

Tylenol taken
for pain
and Orajel too
as we waited
for Monday
to come

First thing
7:30 a.m.
Monday, May 4
the day before
scheduled surgery
Jim
at his dentist's door
X-ray taken
worst case scenario
revealed
A major infection
Root Canal needed
No surgery
to be that very next day

More phone calls made
He to UIHC
me to the endodontist
A root canal
scheduled and accomplished
3 p.m. that day
and surgery rescheduled
8:15 a.m. Tuesday, May 12

We wondered why
But God knew
A reason always
for everything
that comes

Perhaps,
as Jim considered,
it was because
his sister,
the family R.N.,
couldn't be there May 5
but she can May 12

God knew Jim
wanted her there

Perhaps another reason
Perhaps we will know
along the way
or at another time.
God knows
God is in control
We must Trust
in all He does
He is with us
at every turn.

God has chosen us
He does not throw us aside
I AM with you
is His reply
Do not fear
Do not be dismayed
Come to Him
The strength you do not have
to face every trial
The Lord will give you
He will help you
He will uphold you

It is His Strength, His Power, His Love, His Peace
we need
to overcome the pain of life

God has chosen you
He does not cast you to the wolves
You are His
Live your life as His child

God is the one ultimately in control
Look to Him
Abide with Him
Trust in Him
Believe in Him
Worship Him
Praise Him
Be reconciled to Him
Pray to Him
Listen to Him
Respond to Him
Be obedient to His instructions

God has chosen you
for eternity
He does not cast us aside

Why would you choose your way
over His way
when His way is best?
He gives us the strength we need
in our every weakness.

Pressing on, Looking ahead

Lord, I pray
Keep the steps
taken steady and sure
so we don't falter
along the path
Keep my focus
our focus, our thoughts
on you
away from the situation
around us
gathering momentum

It is not about me
It is about You
and in the midst
my beloved one
whom You also love
He is Yours
I am Yours
You are with us

Yet our minds
travel down paths
bringing one question and another
so many unknowns

Thinking -- the questions weaken us
Willing our minds to You
brings strength
In You we can do all things

Everything that needs done now
and in days, weeks following
surgery and after
Jim's return home,
will be accomplished
according to Your will, Your plan, Your purpose

Help me Lord, to know
Help us both Lord, to know
what is unnecessary
Keep us away from getting flustered

Keep us mindful of You
See Your beauty
See the good
See the steps of progress being made

Help us Lord to look toward You
in all we do
To not get agitated with each other
To not dwell on the pain
and how far we have to go

One step at a time
One step in front of the other
Looking ahead to the prize

"I press on ... forgetting those things which are behind
and reaching forward to those things which are ahead.
I press toward the goal for the prize
of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:12-14

Questions and Answers re: Jim's surgery

Today was Pre-Op. Jim and I and Jim's sister, Dianne, spent much of the day at University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics in Iowa City. The day consisted of meeting with the surgeon, a resident and a nurse and members of the anesthesia team, along with lab work, an EKG, chest x-ray and neck x-ray, and lots of waiting inbetween times.

When is the surgery date:
Surgery is May 5 -- 14 days from now.  Check in time is 6 a.m., surgery begins at 8:15 a.m.

Who is the surgeon:
Dr. Kalpaj Parekh

How long will surgery last:
It should take between 3 and 4 hours.

Where is the cancer located:
Cancer is in the lower esophagus only.

What technique will be done: 
Trans-hiatal esophagectomy.

The surgeon will make two large incisions, one in the neck area and the other in the abdomen, from about the belly button to the bottom of the sternum bone.  All of the esophagus (11 centimeters or about 6 inches) and the top third of his stomach will be removed. The stomach will be pulled up behind the heart and re-attached to a tiny bit of the esophagus (about 2-3 centimeters) and then attached to his throat area. The stomach will become his new esophagus.

There will be sutures in the neck area for 2 weeks and staples in the abdomen.

Eating:
A feeding tube will be placed in his small intestine, to provide more nutrition. Until his first post-op visit (4 weeks), eating will consist of  clear liquids to full liquids to a soft mushy diet.  Any eating at any time should be in small amounts, slowly. It all depends on how well Jim tolerates swallowing and whether he has problems with nausea, cramping, etc. The feeding tube may be removed after that first visit or it may remain in for up to 3 months.

What are the risks:
The highest risk is leakage in the neck area where there are sutures. There is, however, less than a 10 percent chance this will happen. Also bleeding because of the type of procedure and damaging organs.

What is preparation the day before surgery: 
Bowel prep, like you do for a colonoscopy, beginning no later than 1 p.m.  on May 4.
Can have a big breakfast or brunch, but once the bowel prep is started, can only have clear liquids up to midnight.

When will he be released from the hospital:
If all goes well, he will be released to go home on day 5.

Miscellaneous:
He may have chest pain, a sore throat and hoarseness after surgery. An epidural in his back (like women in labor) is recommended for pain.  A home health aide or visiting nurse is likely to be part of the home recovery package. He is to get up and take walks regularly. Walking starts the day after surgery. He will have deep-breathing and coughing exercises.


We appreciate the prayers of all of you and continue to covet them as we go forward. It is not an easy road to be on, but we are thankful for our Lord and Savior and for all of you.

Up and down, in and out

I am glad to say I am on the road ...the mending road. Fear captured me a week ago and I have been  sequestered in a windowless cell not knowing how to escape. I have been aware of many people praying, and if it hadn't been for those prayers being lifted up and God hearing and awakening me, I'm sure I would still be barricaded in, filled with consuming worry and anxiety over circumstances of which I had no control. Fortunately, the barriers are crumbling. I do not wish to ever go back to that place.  That's not to say I won't, but if or when I do, I pray I will be able overcome the temptation of fear before it overcomes me.

I have been reading Scripture, much found in Psalms and Proverbs, and in writings of other people found in emails, blogs, magazines. Today I came across an article by guest writer Rachel Pieh Jones  in Christianity Today's Her*meneutics titled "Another Chance to be Afraid -- and Trust God."  My fears seem so commonplace after reading of hers, but fear is fear. We all have something that causes concern to go into overdrive and become anxiety or worry or fear. Different words, same idea.

Points Jones made:
(1) Being safe is an illusion.

Of course it is. You think going to the store is safe but having surgery, especially cancer surgery, gives room for doubt. It is possible something could happen at the store or on the way to and from. Nothing we do is really safe. We tend not to think about some things because they are everyday occurences.

(2) You need Jesus.

If we believe in and trust Christ we have a safety net. He will take care of us.  The need, as Jones said, does not cancel out your fears. It teaches you to trust. The fear still exists, but when it creeps up on you, you remember who it is you need most, more than anything, who will provide that calm assurance of being with you always.  Psalm 53:6 is a good reminder - "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You." Continuing to be afraid or trusting yourself is a waste of time.

My birthday was this past Monday. It was the first day I felt better about anything. Only because of prayers being lifted up ... prayers like this one received in an email from friends -- taken from the devotional book, New Every Morning:

Set free, O Lord, my soul from all restlessness and anxiety;

give me that peace and power which flow from You;

keep me in all perplexities and distresses, in all fears

and faithlessness; that so upheld by Your power and stayed

on the rock of Your faithfulness, I may through storm and stress

remain in You, Christ Jesus our Lord.

Even emails I've had for a long time, I read again, to give us strength to go on ...

One Day at a Time

by Annie Johnson Flint 

"As your days - so shall your strength be!" - Deuteronomy 33:25

One day at a time, with its failures and fears,
With its hurts and mistakes, with its weakness and tears,
With its portion of pain, and its burden of care;
One day at a time, we must meet and must bear.

One day at a time, to be patient and strong,
To be calm under trial, and sweet under wrong;
Then its toiling shall pass, and its sorrow shall cease;
It shall darken and die, and the night shall bring peace.

One day at a time-but the day is so long,
And the heart is not brave, and the soul is not strong,
o piteous Christ, be near all the way;
Give courage and patience, and strength for the day

Swift comes His answer, so clear and so sweet;
"Yes, I'll be with you, your troubles to meet;
I will not forget you, nor fail you, nor grieve;
I will not forsake you; I never will leave."

Not yesterday's load, we are called on to bear,
Nor the morrow's uncertain and shadowy care;
Why should we look forward, or back with dismay?
Our needs, as our mercies, are but for the day.

One day at a time, and the day is His day;
He has numbered is hours, though they haste or delay.
His grace is sufficient, we walk not alone;
As the day, so the strength that He gives His own.

I Refuse to be Discouraged
by Anonymous author

I refuse to be discouraged,
To be sad, or to cry;
I refuse to be downhearted,
and here's the reason why ...

I have a God who’s mighty,
Who’s sovereign and supreme;
I have a God who loves me,
and I am on His team.

He is all wise and powerful,
Jesus is His name;
Though everything is changeable,
My God remains the same.

My God knows all that’s happening;
Beginning to the end,
His presence is my comfort,
He is my dearest friend.

When sickness comes to weaken me,
To bring my head down low,
I call upon my mighty God;
Into His arms I go.

When circumstances threaten
to rob me from my peace;
He draws me close unto His breast,
Where all my strivings cease.

And when my heart melts within me,
and weakness takes control;
He gathers me into His arms,
He soothes my heart and soul.

The great "I AM" is with me,
My life is in His hand,
The "Son of the Lord" is my hope,
It’s in His strength I stand.

I refuse to be defeated,

My eyes are on my God;

He has promised to be with me,

as through this life I trod.

I’m looking past all my circumstances,

To Heaven’s throne above;

My prayers have reached the heart of God,

I’m resting in His love.

I give God thanks in everything,

My eyes are on His face;

The battle’s His, the victory’s mine;

He’ll help me win the race. 

Rise up ... and wait - for Him

Yesterday ... Today ... Tomorrow

I am
to rise up
to whatever occasion
the Lord brings me to
and remind myself over and over repeatedly,
He will also bring me through it.

I AM with you
You who is writing
You the reader
You still in turmoil, questioning why me, why now, when, what if
You standing outside the door

The Lord will bring me through it
He will bring you through it too

We have to wait
Wait believing
Wait faithfully
Wait trusting
Wait for Jesus' response to us
and then move
forward
onward

Still believing
Still trusting
Still remembering

WHO it is
we BELIEVE

WHO it is
we TRUST

WHO it is
we FOCUS upon

WHO it is
we OBEY

WHO it is
we LOVE

WHO it is
we HEAR
in the quiet solitude
and in the throbbing roar
of our beating heart

WHO it is
we SEE
when one come to salvation
when needs are met
when prayers said are answered
and when we are lost in the massive maze
of this way/that way, right/wrong thinking

It is Still GOD
on His Throne
Still the Lord Jesus
Who Reigns

All we undergo will be for good.
It is His will, His plan, His purpose
for our lives.

We do not readily see the Good
nor God
but we are aware
of His Presence
and of His Goodness

and because of Who He is
we are.
As we travel our life's path
and remain engaged with Him
and not release our grip
He is right there, right here beside us
all the way.

So rise up
where you are
stay near and nearer to Him
and wait for Him
who does and will continue to
bring us
guide us
deliver us
love us.

Remove my fear

In the midst of all we undergo - every sorrow, every sadness, every trial, we can remain faithful. We can continue to seek the goodness of Christ, seek His strength in us, although we struggle to see or feel that strength. We feel so weak and downhearted.

We should not allow our burdens to gain such a stronghold that it overshadows our Lord. HE is stronger, mightier. Nothing we undergo will the presence of the Lord leave us. We must cling to His Promises, His Truth, to His outstretched hand.

We must not withdraw. In withdrawing from Him, we have said No to life and Yes to death. Jesus is my joy, yet why do I feel so joyless.

The thief - Satan
he robs and steals and destroys. I do not belong to Satan. I am not one with him.

JESUS is THE SONG of me
He is my life
my joy
my love

Even if it seems absent, He is not absent. He remains with me. I must be obedient. I must wait. I must believe in the Lord. I must follow Him.  I must rise up to whatever occasion He brings me to and remind myself He will also bring me through it. 

The Lord will provide.
His strength in me
His strength through prayer warriors
His strength through the surgeon, nurses, technicians
His strength is enough
His Presence is enough

My Jimmy, to lie waiting
Your strength and power to gain
momentum upon him
that day coming
remove the disease
that wreaks havoc
bring him to full restoration

and me, Lord
I wait, am waiting,
will wait still
that day coming
remove the fear
that wreaks havoc
on my soul
bring me to full restoration

Allow us Lord more years to come
Together to serve You
and be messengers of You and Your guiding Light.

For in You is our Faith, our Strength, our Everything.

Amen.